Skin/Bones

You’re too fat,

You’re too skinny,

No,

You’re too chunky,

Now you look sickly,

It must be, the meds you’re taking,

It has to be, an eating disorder,

She’s just stressed,

She’s way too skinny,

I never see her eat,

She’s eating way too much and not gaining a pound,

It must be, bulimia,

She’s gaining weight again,

She must be, depressed,

Someone get her to see a shrink,

She’s too skinny again,

It must be, the meds,

Get her another doctor,

She’s gaining too much,

Why can’t she just even out,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why can’t I just even out,

I’m too skinny,

I should get help,

I’m skinny,

I should just eat a little more, but not too much,

I’m not skinny enough,

I have to cut back,

I’m chunky,

I could give up, I guess curves are “in”

I’m fat,

I must stop, I can’t have this, my head screams all day and all night and ever hour, every minute, every second, and I see every stare.

I’m too fat,

I just want it to end now.

 

 

 

“Krista, I’m so glad you are finally holding weight I know you couldn’t for so long.”

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not skinny enough,

It must be these meds,

I need a new doctor,

I can’t make myself eat,

I can’t make myself eat,

They’ll all talk no matter what I do,

maybe I should just eat around then and then bring it up then they can’t talk,

then I can control it again,

then they can’t control me anymore.

I was perfect.

Everything was numbers, sizes, scales, times, work outs,

It became me.

I lost the control I yearned for so bad for

Love and Mistakes

You were not a simple wolf in sheep’s clothing,

You were a devil hidden as helpless piglet,

and then you grew into a horrible, putrid,  wrinkled, hog,

only left with your pseudo-cute spiral of a tail,

but they can all see you now…

What will you say?

Your apology will be a french-kiss to my ear drums that they have yearned for as long as I took my very first breath.

Apology; who am  I kidding?

I’ll be lucky if your verbal abuse stops anytime soon.

It would be miraculous to even hear you spittle the words of any of the torment you subjected me to,

The years of picking substances over me,

Leaving me with an openly abusive father to chase that high

(did you ever find it?)

The nights you begged me to just let you die,

The nights I had to learn how to make you vomit so you wouldn’t overdose,

The time you took me on “vacation” to Washington,

Where your boyfriend beat you, me and those poor dogs,

Oh I miss those dogs.

I’ve since learned you kidnapped me, another thing you will never admit.

The night you burned down the house.

The time you locked me out in the cold winter because you took a nap on the couch,

(did you ever find that high?)

Then you promised me you were cleaning up, which at six I knew exactly what that meant,

So you went to rehab in the mountains,

I would come visit anytime I could.

You found a new drug there,

The first one was Justin, he was too religious,

(did you ever find that high?)

Then there was the next one,

The keeper,

I loved him at first,

then you two had your own children and I became nothing but a step child,

A no one to him,

And at first it hurt you,

but you always picked him,

(did you ever find that high?)

and in the last few days it became even more clear that no matter how much you try to parent me out of guilt or pity, it isn’t the same as your other children get… it never will be.

I won’t be, your second class daughter,

I won’t be, abused any longer,

I am not a mistake, a happy accident, or anything of that nature.

I am your daughter that you love, never abuse, and never belittle in any way or I am motherless.

And there is, so much freedom in that.

I hope everyone soon sees the hog I’ve come to know,

I used to wish for your love and approval,

now I just want to rest, and not hear another word of your melodrama that you create constantly,

I could never stop loving you, but I will never need your love like I used to believe I did…

I’ve lost my words more than a few times,

 

 

Tongue tied, brain-damaged, nerves tired and overworked.

 

 

But lately it has been so different.

 

 

The words float off every page, and I try to catch them with everything I have left in me,

 

 

and I search in parts of my brain I forgot had existed,

 

 

because it’s all just been;

 

eat,

 

sleep,

 

breathe,

 

don’t seize…

 

don’t seize…

 

please don’t seize.

 

 

I watched your eyes glaze over as you tried to dry a cigarette that had splashes of fresh rain on it,

I watched you cry over an empty box of cereal because it was the last of what we had left,

I watched you take off all your clothes because we were too afraid to let you be alone,

I listened as you told me it was the last time,

I listened to you tell me everything would be alright,

I took everything you offered me because it could be the last,

I cried with you on a porch in your new town with your new family,

I cried with you when I was too drunk to walk and covered myself in cuts and bruises,

I cried alone wishing you would call me every night for two long years,

I cried alone after every time you came to visit and then left me again,

I cried every time something reminded me of you,

I cried every time you called and told me how you wished you had stayed how you wanted to come home but you never have told me that you miss me,

You have implied it on many occasions but never expressed guilt for leaving me here,

Now you promise me you are better,

You help me because you know what all of this has made me,

And all of it comes with a little price,

A knowing that you picked them,

That you will always pick them,

A knowing that your husband “doesn’t” hate me he just has anger problems sometimes,

A knowing that your other children get the life I was always promised but never received,

You tell me they have their own struggles and I believe you,

But jealousy runs thick and clots my thoughts when you tell me they’ve had it hard too,

I watched you die over and over and over on so many drugs you couldn’t remember what you had taken,

I listened when you said you don’t remember the best two years of my life,

I took you for granted,

I cry all the time now.

I hate you.

I thank you.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m sorry.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I’m thankful.

I’m confused.

I’m lost without you and have been for so long.

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Thank you T.

I don’t remember you middle name anymore,

I remember I used to like it,

or hate it,

I felt something about it and now there is nothing,

as is how I feel about the rest of you,

the more I forget the more I wish I remembered,

because I know you weren’t all bad at some point,

I know the first time you told me you loved me your voice sounded like my favorite song,

And I won’t believe it was all bad,

I know the first date you took me on felt like magic and pleasure and I knew that I was going to make you mine,

I can’t believe it was all bad,

Because you held my hand in hospitals and heard everyone of my cries,

you knew I was lying but you never blinked an eye,

And when I figured out why it didn’t work, I found peace in myself,

I found a place inside myself no one had ever seen locked so deep from a fear that engulfs me,

You weren’t the man to help me let out but you gave me what I needed so I could find him and give him my whole self.

Missing flight 370; the human reaction

The coverage on flight 370 gave me so much insight to our psyche. The way people react in a tragedy that involves a large amount of people is always different but this one was very different. I believe with social media everyone has gained a false sense of important-ness, you can have one funny idea; one good picture, one pretty song, one friend that leads you to hundreds and be known by more people than you could previously imagine. And the idea that the earth is so large that we could lose that many people, truly rattled how we think. It shock the very idea that we are so big, so brave, so smart and reduced us to what we really are; small.

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Nostalgic

I know what your voice sounds like when you lie,
I know the color of your completion when you’ve convinced yourself you’re going to die,
I know the shape of your body when it’s struggling to find mine,
I know exactly what your voice sounds like when you tell a lie.

I feel the sadness in your heart when it’s feeling mine,
The words you carefully construct to tell me I’ll be just fine.

I remember you by the time of year it was when I thought I could save you,

I remember the heartbreak by the time of year it was when I realized I could not.

It is always spring when it crushes me like the look in your eyes and the shape of your smile that I am sure changed at the end of a long night.

You were not my biggest downfall but a reflection of them, a mirror image of the things I hated in myself and could not change.

I remember the sound of your voice when you lied.

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Is it you?

Is it you,

Who walks through the shadows left by pale moon light on lonely, cold nights,

Is it you,

Who sees in such brilliant colors when it seems the rest of the world can only comprehend shades of gray,

Is it you,

Who dreams so extravagantly we all can only hope the world lets you down gently,

Is it you,

Who thinks so clearly, dedicated,

Is it you,

Who came like a thief in the night,
And stole her heart,

Tell me is it you?

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